"Life is essentially a cheat and its conditions
are those of defeat; the redeeming things are not happiness
and pleasure but the deeper satisfactions that come out of struggle."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
The other night I tried to scream but these sad little squeaks came out, like the way you scream out in a dream.
They say you can't die in dreams.
In my sleep I drowned the other night. It made me wonder about holding my breathe
Hold your breathe for long enough and you will pass out, what happens if you continue holding your breathe in a dream, do you dream deeper and deeper holding in all your air until there is nothing left to do but inhale nothingness?
If this is a dream I don't know how to wake up.
If this is a nightmare it's a terrible curse. I am cursed with unspeakable things that happened in my youth. Things in which I can't release, I can't let go. Things that have been pushed so far deep and back that in quiet times they reveal themselves. I stare into my eyes as a child and want so badly to help. I want so badly to be able to tell that child that life gets easier... but it won't.
Instead I am forced into telling that child that she will have this horrible burden with her for the rest of her life. That all she can do is try and deal with it, but it will inevitably effect her character, the way she trusts other people, the way she treats herself and allows other people to treat her. I want to tell her that when she grows up she will fall deeply in love with a man, and begin to trust and believe in truth and honesty again. I want to tell her this man will die. That she will find him laying motionless in the bed they shared. That it will hurt her so badly it will inevitably bring her back to the very moment in which she felt this terrible burden.
I don't know how to tell her all of this. I want to offer her comforting words that for all the hurt she feels, tell her only that she will have this amazing ability to see the beauty in everything, in everyone regardless of their actions, regardless of their past....
Even that I know is a curse of it's own.
I breathe this stifling air sometimes. A heavy humidity that settles in my chest and makes me feel that I am not breathing at all. If I hold my breath and this is a dream... where do I go from here?