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Diary:

"Life is essentially a cheat and its conditions

are those of defeat; the redeeming things are not happiness

and pleasure but the deeper satisfactions that come out of struggle."

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

You better not fade into the dark. You better not put your hand in the fire and let it burn because the smoke is noxious.

You better live. You better know what it means.

He asks "Are you leaving?"

I should stay.

Those words echo in my mind, suddenly I'm in the doorway, I look into his eyes, and he stands there stoney faced and fading quickly, and asks "Where are you going?... Will you be coming back?"

And in my head I speak to myself and say "I've been running from something, all these years, and it's not you.. it's me I'm running away from, it is all the hope I have of staying with you, it is the future I'm running from, but you know all I want is to stay here with you...forever and ever, but I'm so afraid...so afraid"

I left that night. I stared into his hopeful eyes, said nothing, turned around, started up my ghia and disappeared into the night. I think I broke his heart that night. I think I heard it shatter across the floor as I closed that door.

I didn't leave last night, I didn't leave. I stayed and I curled back up and into his arms last night. I let the truth roll out and the tears stream down, and took a breath... I took a breath...

Everything is a vivid memory, tainted with the smoke of time. Like the smell of silk holding cigarette smoke after being up all night.

It's hard to be the villain, but if someone has to do it I guess I am best suited for the role. I don't own a cape, but I have many masks, and every villain needs a mask.

I've got the secret hide out too, so I guess this is the role I was born to play.

Everyone hates the selfish beast anyway, everyone hates to hear the hurt, everyone hates to be ignored.

So go on, and tell it all, tell it all the way you've heard it from a friend of a friend. How I never really loved, go on and call me a liar and a cheater and a whore.

I'll lend you a mask in the morning and we can all just pretend together, first you find your white horse. You can be the lone ranger and I can be your sore.

All I can say is that I'm not going to take it all, anymore...

I have twisted myself into circles, and have come back again. Around and around in my mind and the infinite loop is exploding. I am imploding and the chemicals just don't mix like they use to anymore.

I still can't sleep, I still can't eat, but I can hope, and that's good enough for me...

"Hope is the thing with feathers. That perches in the soul, And sings the tune--without the words, And never stops at all" -Emily Dickinson.

Entry 6- Super Villain Victories and Loses