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Diary:

"Life is essentially a cheat and its conditions

are those of defeat; the redeeming things are not happiness

and pleasure but the deeper satisfactions that come out of struggle."

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

I wish I could reach my hand deep inside my brain and pull out all the ecstacy and the madness that drives it. I wish to swallow it whole and digest it. I want to taste the flavor and breath the air it occupies within me. I want to be released from the four blanket walls that my mind occupies at odd hours of the night.

I want to become humble, and sorrowless. I desire normalcy fueled by harsh critism, blood, sweat, and tears. I want to roam the halls and highways of my spirit and discover the one that lies in there waiting underneath it all.

I want to reveal all the worries, and the struggles, and the problems that have defined my character, and stop abusing them all in the name of nothingness.

I want to stop dwelling in the problem and figure out a final solution for the things that haunt me, I want to make them go away, like a dandilion in the wind.Like a splice in the pavement, I am cracking beneath the pressure of a mistold fortune, I am cracking beneath the pressure of it all. Where is my pause, where is my requiem and if I get there will everyone just be sitting down in quiet repose. I wish only for peace within, but sometimes I just don't know where to begin. All I know is what I should, sometimes all I know is shame, and guilt, sometimes all I know is mad truth, but mostly I know the madness, I know the shallow grey areas in between where the sidewalk meets the street. I run through traffic and I am causing an accident, twisted metal and shattered glass and I just watch the choas ensue. Thats the difference between me and you.

Entry 8- The Difference